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When We Go "The Extra Mile" on Giving, Serving and Smiling...Way Too Often!


Did you ever stop to wonder why do we go the extra mile on smiling, being nice, giving and serving way too often?

From where this pattern comes from?

The Reason: Why We Do It?

Why we go the extra mile on smiling, being nice, giving and serving…way too often?

A friend of mine is going to a psychologist, and, during these consultations the psychologist told her that she was going “the extra mile” on smiling and that part of that smiling and being nice was not authentic. Was artificial. In a unconscious way, but artificial and overcompensating psychological mechanism. 

The Child

Image Credits: Natalia Anja Photography

She explained that when the child is growing, and the little brain is developing in the different stages of 2, 4, 6, 8 years, and more if the child goes trough traumatic situations and depending on how the adults behave towards her, this child will develop certain patterns of behaviors in order to help her dealing with the reality around her. These behaviors can be of different natures, can be of anger and revolt, or, for example, the child can develop an attitude towards her loved ones, of giving, serving, smiling and being too nice in order to get the love and attention that she is craving, (and that all children deserve to have without having to do absolutely nothing)!

So, when the child is not getting the love that naturally she would have the birth right to have, she will do and do and do and smile and being good and nice in order to get what any child would miss: The Attention, The Quality Time, The Love, the Care, the Physical Contact, the Words of Appreciation, the Gifts.

The Adult

Image Credits: Natalia Anja Photography

And so, as the child grow and turn into an adult these patterns of behavior keep arising on the adult personality, in relationship with the partners, the boss and people in general.

There is an extra amount of smile and serving that was not needed at all in normal circumstances of a person whom had a healthy childhood.

So, the pattern persists, independently of whatever the present reality.

Why? From Where This Comes From?

Ok, from my childhood and because of these reasons. Ok, I understood, now it’s clear.

And it’s now clear the boundary of the extra artificial smile (even unconscious) and the boundary of the need of “crawling on your belly”  in order to please others, to get their love and appreciation.

What Is The “Other Side”?

The other side is as simple as this:

You have your own value and if people love you is because of Who You Are and not because of how much you can give.

If people don’t love you or give you a bad look, doesn’t matter any way, there is a million of others who do authentically love you just for who you are, (including yourself).

My Insights

People who did not deserve you do things for free or whom were not willing to pay the fair price of your services this is what we can observe:

They are not even grateful.

The people who were willing to happily pay the price of my services, still today they are grateful from what they got from it, the positive changes they had in their lives and still today they show love and appreciation towards me. In fact, is from most of these clients and students I got the most beautiful feedback, words and love.

Conclusion

What I want to call the attention here is, if you find yourself having patterns of “going the extra mile” on smiling too much, being too nice, giving and serving too much, stop and ask your self:

Is this behaviour healthy for me? How do I feel about that? Do I feel explored, used? Or do I feel happy with it?

Make a retrospective to your childhood and ask yourself, from where do these patterns come from?

And, if you reach to a conclusion that this is not making you happy, you do not feel in harmony with this “giving” and this is not the way you want to be anymore, then just think about this:

If you do something professionally and you are giving away your services for free or for a low cost, then stop and ask yourself if this exchange is fair enough for you.

“If you are giving away one hour for free, if that person is making you laugh for one hour, then is fair, it’s making you happy, but if not, that one hour has to be payed, with that money you will buy the food for you and your family and the things you need to live a decent life.

But if you are giving away that hour for free (and sometimes we give way much more that that!), that one hour of your time and energy will never came back again, it’s gone, you will never get it back.” (Shaloo Tjong)

So, how much do you value your precious time and energy?

As she says, “one thing is to give to your close family, your loved ones, and that is ok. Another thing is a friend that is giving something to you and you give back something from you to him in a balanced way, and that is ok.

All the other ones have to pay for the proper price you ask for (according with the value you give to yourself and your services).”

And if that person is not willing to pay, well that’s ok, it’s just because that person is just not for you, and other ones whom are willing to pay happily for your services are.

It’s so simple as this:

How Much do you value yourself?

How much worth do you give to yourself?

Solutions

1 Daily Affirmations:

To repeat to yourself daily until this is “recorded” in your mind, your being, your everything:

I am worthy and deserving” several times, for many days and weeks and months and more, until you feel that Your Work is also Worthy to be Payed For.

2. Become AWARE, become conscious:

Awareness is EVERYTHING! A huge change happen from within with the simple fact of just becoming aware. Be aware of your behaviors towards your clients, your partner, everyone and know, if they are distorted behaviors, if they come from a point of “lack” within yourself and non authenticity, then stop doing then and make wiser decisions instead.

Making wiser decisions about how much you promise, how much you are willing to give will save you big amounts of your precious time and energy that you can channel for better things in your life, for example, towards your family, your own learning, or to explore your natural born gifts and doing what you really love to do.

3. Respect Your BOUNDARIES

Make them clear for you first and then for the other ones around you.

You have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone. Put yourself in a place of being assertive towards making your position clear.

Stop letting people eat sheet in your head! Stand up and do your stuff.

Become aware of subtitle manipulations from others towards you to get what they want.

Be Awake!

4. Be Sober

don’t let your self go by your ego and be manipulated by opportunistic people.

Don’t let yourself being manipulated by your ego and don’t you ever consider anyone special or put anyone in a pedestal. Specialty or specialness  is half way to hell, means,  problems. 

5. Be ASSERTIVE!

Learn to say no with elegance and without justifying yourself  to the other ones the”why’s”.

You have absolutely nothing to justify yourself why you are not willing to give or do something that will take your time and energy without your will.

Here are some suggestions about appropriate answers to give from people who are “On Their Place”:

“I am sorry, but that will not be possible.”

“Thank you for thinking about me, but will not be possible.”

If the other person insist:

“I understand your situation, however, as I told you, will not be possible.”

Do not justify “Why”!

If people insist very much and ask why:

“I choose to keep that information private. Good luck and good day.”

Finish the conversation.

***

I hope this article can be useful for you and if you feel it can help someone in your life, please share it. Thank you.

Article by: Sonia Indigo

Edited by: Mariana C.

Image Credits: Natalia Anja Photography

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