This last few months after I finally could get myself and my daughters out of an abusive relationship, has been quite intense and overwhelming, in the way of so many emotions and doubts crossing my mind and my body, at the same time, moving, setting a new space to live and to work and having the agenda full booked due to the high season.
Doubts of did I did the right thing, should I stay here or I go, how will I put myself together and go on with my life, how will I heal all the damage caused?…
In September 2017 I found out about my co-dependency and that was the A-Ha moment in my life. I start to make research on the web in articles and videos and I was amazed with how I lived 40 years of my life constantly under some kind of abuser, rather if it was a boss, a co-worker, a chief, a partner or my parents (the root where it all started). I had no boundaries, no assertiveness, and was constantly looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places and people. Obviously attracting more narcissistic people into my life, as there was the pattern of my childhood. I suffered all kinds of abuse, emotional, mental, physical, sexual, financial, and you name it. All in very subtle levels, where only I could feel the pain, but was not much visible to other ones, as the narcissistic people are very intelligent and often commit the abuses is private, so other people don’t see their real distorted personality.
Another incredible tendency that co-dependents have is the ability to be in a highly abusive narcissistic relationship and to the outside world they make like everything is okay, co-dependents go on with life stuffing down their whole personality and feelings that things are just not right, and move one day after the other one, the best they can, like nothing was happening, like they had the perfect life. In fact, co-dependents idealize their life or their couple as perfect, when in fact, is faraway from that.
Today I can understand why I developed so much my spiritual practice and was waking up at 4h. If I wouldn’t do that I would go crazy, I would lose my ground. I was raising two daughters, I could not give myself that chance of losing the “track” of reality. So in fact, working on healing and yoga and receiving healing, developing several practices such as meditation, yoga, affirmations, reiki, journaling, etc., they were useful, but, my friends…they were so far away from being the Real Answer to the Real Problem.
The real answer to the problem was actually the Awareness of What is Co-Dependency and Narcissistic Abuse. It’s amazing to observe the high number of people that suffer from this, but because is not even a subject highlighted by the media, and something quite invisible to see at a naked eye, society in general are not aware at all of this huge problem that affects most of the families. Narcissistic abuse in families and relationships and bullies in work are everywhere and all we need is to Learn about What Is Narcissistic Abuse and became aware of it. I guarantee you, that in the starting point for the Co-dependency healing, Awareness Is The Key. Learn all what you can, there are so many resources on the web about this subject and you will be amazed with how much common this is and how is already a big scientific study is done about it.
Since I read about What Is Co-Dependency, Narcissists, and Narcissistic Abuse, I never again let this subject fall on forgetfulness, because all the descriptions were perfectly matching with most the relationships I had with my parents, partners, some friends, boss and superiors. It seems that there was a common pattern for the narcissistic behavior. And yes, there is, they all behave in exactly the same way: They are incredibly charming in the beginning, they put your self-esteem high, idealizing you and once they have you hooked on them, that’s when the depreciation starts, the criticism, the hurt, the disrespects, the abuse at many different levels.
Narcissists are predators, and they choose very well their prey. Normally the people they choose as partners or employees, have very low sense of self, or none at all, low self-esteem, no boundaries, no assertiveness, very kind, very good hearts, ready to serve and work, compassionate, forgiving, loyal, honest, submissive, competent, and so on, basically all the co-dependent traits. These are the kind of people that fall into their trap. And believe me, they choose very well and after a meticulous study on the prey personality before they decide if that will be their partner or employee or whatsoever relationship.
Last December I learned all what I could on YouTube about Boundaries, Self-Assertiveness and Self-Love, which is big part of what co-dependents need to learn and do in order to heal themselves.
Another thing to note is that Co_Dependents were neglected during their childhood, while narcissists were beaten or highly idealized as the best of the world and this is the main difference between this two types of people.
It’s a Choice of Life or Death
From last January until now, I’ve been deepening my knowledge in all this subject related with narcissistic abuse, the devastating effects on the co-dependents physical and mental health, and my God, I cannot tell you enough how much putting yourself out from a relationship with a narcissist, rather if it’s work, couple relationship or relationship with parents, family members or even some friends, can SAVE YOUR LIFE. Especially if it’s a couple relationship, these are the ones that can really kill you slowly, in many different ways.
When I became aware of this and I started to observe several woman’s and men’s that I know that they were (and still are) for a long term in a relationship with a narcissist, or, even worse, with a covert narcissist, I started to observe something in common in them: The co-dependent had serious teeth problems, besides many other health problems, and they had cancer, some of them already passed away, while the narcissist is still alive.
The Covert Narcissists are the most difficult to recognize, exactly because they act in a covert way. They are normally successful people, very helpful and “compassionate” to the outside family, friends, clients and society in general, very well viewed and appreciated by most people, normally a typical example of a “good men” or “good woman”. Often they have addictions like alcohol or drugs.
But the truth is that with some of their employees and definitely with their partner and children, which are their direct narcissistic supply resource, they can perform incredibly cruel acts, which causes severe mental and emotional distress. However, because is not physical aggression and the partner doesn’t not come out to the street with a any physical marks, (in case of covert narcissists), people in general they just see what the narcissist and the co-dependent show in public, which is, in general a “good example”. That’s is why it’s so difficult to recognize and identify the covert narcissists. The only ones who see the real face of the narcissist are the ones who live at daily basis with them in a close or intimate relationship or work or other type of family relationship. It’s also very difficult to identify in the covert narcissists how they abuse their partner, employees and some family members, because the people whom suffer the abuse are under this narcissistic spell, and also cannot identify properly the real root of their problems and to the outside world, show that all is fine”, when in fact, all if actually falling apart, and evenworse, without their awareness.
The emotional, sexual and financial abuse and mental torture are in such high level that gradually and slowly completely brings the person, in general, the co-dependent, to a state of helplessness, hopelessness, no sense of self, no joy for life and lack of health, until finally, after some years or decades, finally dies. It’s a kind of slow death over the years. In all couples I observed between a narcissistic and a co-dependent partner, always the first who actually passed away first, was the co-dependent, from some kind of disease. It’s really alarming to observe this, and I tell you again, if you recognize you are in a relationship of any way with a narcissist, putting yourself out of it, it’s really a question of life and death.
Personally, after I spent 6 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist, my health problems start to arise, such as:
- Severely losing my audition (due to being under a constant criticism and depreciation);
- Losing my normal voice, over the time my voice became low, shallow , with no life, due to not expressing my truth I develop an unbalance on my throat chakra, which started to affect my voice (It got better since I left);
- Chronic cuffing, lungs problems, the lung’s emotion in Chinese Medicine is sadness, so the lungs were constantly telling me about my deep sadness and lately, depression. (I am not coffing anymore since I left).
- Chronic sneezing, due to feeling overwhelmed with all the activities of my day, my work, the work on the house and babies without much of his support or presence. (It’s way much better than it ever was).
- Forgetfulness, brain fog, lack of concentration, inability to learn new things or to focus on just reading a book. This is one of the many symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), that most people who live under abuse relationships develop. And now I understand how all my life I always loved to read and learn and over the last 3 to 4 years I practically stop doing it.
- Lack of Creativity, I normally like to write and I notice that always that I was in some kind of unhealthy relationship, I find difficult to write for the how long the relationship would last, because of course all my energy was wrongly and completely channeled towards the relationship.
- Constant anxiety and fear, as his moods were constantly changing, one day sweet, two weeks verbally aggressive, absent, emotionally absent or cold, I never knew what to expect when he show up. How he was going to behave, what was going to be his mood. The person who lives in a relationship like this develop a high activity of the amygdala, which regulates emotions of fear and fight or flight. At the center of the fear circuitry is the amygdala. The amygdala mediates processes such as the detection of emotionally arousing and/or salient stimuli. Form a neural network involved in the perception of threat, fear learning, and fear expression. Failure to properly regulate fear responses is central to specific phobia, post-traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety, these areas individually mediate symptoms of fear and collectively act to produce an integrated fear response. fear of separation and loss of support in dependent personality disorder (DPD) of abandonment in borderline personality disorder (BPD), and of criticism, disapproval, and rejection in avoidant personality disorder (APD). While some disorders are largely associated with hypervigilance and an over-reactive fear response (eg, anxiety disorders and BPD), others are related to deficient fear reactivity (eg, psychopathy). Studies on the relationship between fear and narcissism have been sparse, both at a phenotypic and mechanism level. One study of individuals with narcissistic traits, as measured by the Narcissism Personality Inventory (NPI) reported that they display diminished electrodermal reactivity to aversive stimuli, indicating weak responses to punishment or aversive cues. (Read more here).
- Insomnia, I always slept very well, until the last 4, 5 years, when I started to wake up around 1h, 2h, 3h or 4h am and not being able to sleep anymore. (I learned to use that time in a useful way working in some of my projects, writing or performing my spiritual practices).
- Isolation, not wanting to be around or interact with people in general.
- Depression, living in a chronic sadness, I lost the flavor, colors and smell of live, as well as I lost the sense of smell and taste.
These were some of the physical unbalances that I developed, not to talk about the emotional and serious brain damage that a relationship of this nature brings.
I reached a point in this relationship last year were I felt clearly if I stay here I will die in less than 10 years due to some kind of health disease developed over the time.
Our body always show us what is wrong with us and in our life’s, it’s just a question of being aware of the signs and act upon them, making the necessary changes for improving and sometimes even save our life’s. If you research about the Metaphysics of the Illness, you will understand what I am talking about. A very good book is Your Body Tells You Love Yourself, you can find it here.
I can tell you, I had other relationships of one, two and even four years with selfish and narcissistic partners, but but the most damaging one was with a highly intelligent covert narcissist, which lasted for 6 years. And I can tell you, this one was from far, the most abusive and damaging relationship of all. However, I have also to say, it was with this person that I developed most my professional area and my own life project – The karmic relationships are our best life teachers. It’s not in smooth waves that we really grow, it’s in a ruff sea.
It’s quite amazing to observe how intelligently narcissist surround and confuse their pray shifting their behaviors with good and bad, nice and nasty, loving and evil, sweet and violent, and that is why it’s so hard for the abused person to leave, until realizes what it’s Really Going On, (if ever that will happen). Most of the cases, they just feel that things are not right, but they lack of knowledge and awareness at all about what is really Co-Dependency and Narcissistic Abuse.
Typical Astrology Signs and Numerology of Narcissists
Another thing I’ve been observing is the astrological signs of potential people who have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). As the study of different Astrologies and Numerology has been one of my passions over the last 27 years, in order to understand human behaviors, I today can say that according with my knowledge in these areas, my own life experience and observing other life’s experiences, most of people who are Narcissists they are from these astrological signs:
Western Astrology: Sun, Moon, Ascendant or Venus in the signs of Aries, Taurus, Leo or Scorpio.
Chinese Astrology: Dragon, Rat or Monkey and Horse, Dog or Tiger.
Numerology: Birthday Number or Life Path 1 or 7.
These are just some simple guidelines in Astrology and Numerology that can help you to being able to recognize a person with possible narcissistic traits, however, you have to check first all the Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits, and then, if they mach with the behavior of the person in your life, you can check their astrology and take your own conclusions.We can not judge just based on the astrology or numerology.
Another thing I’ve been observing is that the narcissists best friends are also other narcissist. My father always told me this Portuguese saying:
“Show me who are your friends, and I will tell you who you are.”
And this is so true. Just observe who are the best friends of your partner, for example, observe their life’s, their relationships and you will start to get to some conclusions.
In this precise moment of my life I am entering more and more in a wanting to go deep, I mean really deep. Coming out of the mundane world (from October 2016 I deleted from my mobile all distractions of Facebook, Messenger and Email, and recently two weeks ago, I deleted from my mobile the Instagram.
Why? Why should I delete such attractive apps for the ego?
Well, because is not about ego anymore, is not about cheap fast supply anymore and is definitely not about keep myself numb from the pain of my reality anymore.
I am feeling this inner calling of going more deep. Silence the worldly voices and distracting images and the “Missing Out Syndrome” caused by the Social Media Phone Apps.
Going deep in keep learning more and more about all related with Co-Dependency and Narcissistic Abuse, going deep in planning and practicing a whole new plan of Self-Care and Self-love, which is basically the path towards healing from Co-Dependency, that I’ve need neglecting since all my life. It’s not about serving others first anymore, it’s about ME. It’s about putting myself together in order to be then able to bring something useful for my daughters, this world and to as much living beings as I can. It’s about finding the trigger point that will lead me to the next stage of my life where I will be writing my books, launching my online courses, writing articles and publishing videos. And my friends, to do all this, I need to come out from the world and dive deep into myself. Because is in ourselves that we find all the answers. There is no guru and no best friend that we can rely who will do this for us. They can serve as precious help during the way, but is up to us to walk alone and fulfill our Destiny that God and our Soul choose when we came here down to the Earth. Then, others may follow, join, help, assist, but is up with each one of us to break the walls of illusion and to dig deep on the earth and find that shining creative crystal that abides in each one of us.
I am willing to find mine, no matter what. And if for that I need to go away from the crowd, walk alone and Be Different, I will.
I did an inventory including financial inventory of all what I lost and gave away in the 6 years abusive relationship and was impressive to see the results. But you know what? If he will pay it back or not is up to him and his decision will be his karma (or dharma).
For me, It’s not about that anymore, doesn’t matter anymore. I can feel fortunate I was able to come out of this still alive, and with some health because our life’s and health is our biggest gifts.
It’s not anymore about looking back. It’s about looking forward.
It’s not about staying in the victim skin, it’s about Empowering.
I am about to go on vacations after the most meaningful year in my life, so far, and I will finally rest, my head, my body, my soul and take my daughters away from here.
I have plans, I have visions, that include bringing something really meaningful for my life, and consequently, for you as well, my dear reader. And I know, that from this point on, it’s just a question of the right time, the right place and the right conditions. I hold this certainty within myself that from here on, it will only get better.
To be a victim of a covert narcissist where no one can see the Truth or understand us, is such a lonely path, as well as is the path for success. Loneliness is in the core issue of Co-Dependency, so, I am willing to face now this loneliness, I am willing to face all these fears, talk with them, be familiar with them until they are not there anymore. What does not kill us, make us Stronger and can guarantee you that I will go over all this shit.
So yes, I am willing to walk in this lonely path dive deep into the waters of my womb, dig deep on the earth, go high on the sky and rescue this Crystal, this precious one that is Me, and this is what I suggest to each one of you.
You will hear from me eventually, through my articles, through my videos, through my books, or though some occasional post, when the time is right.
Thank you all for being here, reading me, supporting me, uplifting me, and believing in me.
Published on 27/03/2018.
Written by Sonia Indigo.